Pad Boxing

just for the picture this is what I was doing today..

Feeling Great This Afternoon

This afternoon I had another session at the gym, but this time I had a personal trainer showing me some things and they were fantastic, I have never had a personal trainer before and when I got there she said she needed to get some bits then we would go up to the Gym, well she came back with some boxing gloves and pads and all i could do was look, and smile, ok a kinda nevous smile, thinking she is going it hit the crap out of me, she looked at my new programme and thought this programme is going to take you a heck of a long time to acheive anything,, so with that she got me warmed up on the treadmill for 10 mins walking at 5.5km per hour.. so not too fast but to slow for a run,,

well we then went to the Mats and she put these boxing gloves on me, and she put the pads on and she explaned what I had to do, and being that I am bigger than her size wise but equal on height I thought I was going to knock her over, but she stood her ground, and I tell you what for something I have never ever done before it was great I have never laughed so much, and yes i sweated and yes she said I can give a mean punch too,,

this was followed buy a kettle weight squats about 20 to start with, then another 20, then 10 on each arm and yes I was well and truly knackered,, this was followed by some stomach crunches involving the kettle weight also and yes that hurt too, but there is no pain and no gain, after this I did some tricep dips then we then did some stretches which they hurt too, for the first time in years my legs went straight up with her help pushing and me pushing on her hand it stretches the tendons and she pushed my legs even further up and yes they were pointing to the ceiling but one at a time.,,.

and I am having her again, it was so good having someone with you to work out with you and tell you, you can do this and you also push yourself as you have that person helping you,, ok its going to cost £35 pound a time but I think I am going to benefit in the long term..

you never know I may even get my stomach pierced too, as she assured me I can get my muscles back in my stomach with the right training..

well How Odd

Amazing.. managed to get into the settings and take the Private restrictions off and now I can open my home page,,

that is so odd,, Oh well its open for all again, but as you now are aware there are some adult content at times, if there over the top then Sorry. just me expressing myself

well if you can read the last post the posting part works but I cant view blogs, god damn PC>. whats going on with it, please advice via e-mail or comment on other blog, or text if you have it.. oh whats the nest way to to a virus check, system restore checked on not???

Just testing

Been having problems opening this site up, computer said I need to have scripting enables and accpet cookies which on my PC all are, but I can't actually open up my site, even with password, it keeps saying redirecting.. and clicking lots, but I can open my waffle blog with not problem. so just seeing if this works.,.

Hi all

ok for now I will keep this one Private as it is a tad rude and explicit at times, I have also made it an Adult site as I now some people have been shocked or upset by what they read..

any today, I have been to the drs Re weight issuse and I need to check food labels, and for ever 100g on a label only have foods with 5g or 5% of fat in.. I will update more laters but i have a dental appy soon so best go to that..

Feeling more Positive today

today is a good day today, feeling in a good mood, wanting to do things today Like cleaning, which I normally hate, but I also know that I can do this I can find me, but its going to take some time, but also finding out what I want to do with my life too,,

Thank you

well I want to say a huge thanks to one particular blogger who has helped me a lot this past month, well his a man that I have never ever met in my life, but I think he is a great man, he is a loving and caring dad and a wonderfull parter to his girlfriend, but one thing i admire about him is his honesty, telling you how things seem to him, ect, but above all its the simple things in life that help you through your tough moments, just the asking how you are, how things are doing ect.. But one thing about him that I love is he totally daft, he loves to blog and read other blogs too, well his name is Dan and you can take a look at his blog drop him a comment or two as he loves it when people say Hi..

so go to 0ddness take a look for youself,,

Oh almost forgot Dan thanks for being there honey

Better Day

well Yesterday whilst I felt better in myself and not down at all regarding me and Martin I was just Sad for a couple of familes I know, but thats not for this blog anyway, yesterday was toddlers again and Gym where I am getting better at, achieving all my programme, but yesterday I was appraoched by this very fit woman who was full of smiles, and I thought Huh ho, some lesbian approaching, sorry but not many woman or men approach me smiling at the Gym, anyway she told me her name and it was Sam, she thought she knew me, but I have never seen her before.. Well she carried on talking and the bottom line is that she is a Physical Trainer for LA fitness where i go, although she was off duty so no t-shirt advertising the fact.

It turns out one of the machines I was on for toning up the glutes, (buttom cheeks in plain English) she told me I had been shown that wrong and thus showed me, wow what a difference that made,, well the result is I now have a Personal Trainer to show me properly on Thursday, and on Tuesday I have another assessment and change of programme,, I now feel that there is a thinner person in my body somewhere really crying to come out..

Is there a difference

well I am going to put 4 photos up, two taken last month on the 20th Jan, and two taken on the 20 feb oh today then, just wanted to see if there is any difference

Before and After

Today I had my hair done at my friends, well she is my best friend we were in school together from the age of 3 1/2 years, and she grew up to be a hair dresser and mum, I bacame a shop assistant then mum, well today she did my hair,, and I decided to go for lots of blonde highlights with some think red streaks in, and yes she has done a good job, and yes I will keep my head in a box for a week cause I love having my hair done, anyway here are the before, during and after photos,,

Ok I have not been up many hours like 3, and already I want to go back to bed, didn't really sleep last night, due to being rejected for the first time since about the 19 jan, I know not bad to be rejected once in that time, but I was all dressed up for some fun, and it hurts like hell to be told no, don't want to, but no reasons why not even well I am tired or a headache, I know sex is not everything but its something I need right now to feel wanted instead of feeling like a door mate,,

I can't help thinking that maybe the damage has already been done at home, I can't shake off what was said to me about me by the man that supposidly loves me, Martin has stopped talking again, we sit in silence once more watching tv, ok thats what most families do, but I do feel things are not right, may be its me feeling totally unconfident, unwanted, unloved may be I am depressed, may be its the IBS getting to me, but things dont feel right.. but I can't explain what, also I am feeling sad for my 2 families who have Angels too. which tomorrow marks a very sad day for them both,,

I do have one problem that I am struggling to think about me, ok I am having my hair done today for me, but its one of those instant fixes than can give you a lift and is very noticible.. But right now I feel like either just shutting my self in a cupboard and staying there till someone knows I have gone missing, Go up to martins works and tell him he has ruined me,,

Christ I thought I was doing so Ok but it seems to have taken a month to kick in what has really happened,, but all this has stemed from being rejected last night,, had I not been then I would have been ok today, appart from feeling sad for my friends..

well Hopefully I would have picked myself up by this afternoon..

Trying not to let it get to me

God what a long title, but I suppose it sums it up,

Yesterday was a pants day for me, not that I was just in my Pants all day, its was my feeling, my mood, I was very down yesterday, I suppose cause I had nothing really much to do, other than collect meds from hospital for Charlie, get some new gym gear, my brain was really going into overdrive, I just Can't get out of my head the things Martin said to me, whether he ment them or not I don't know, but I just can't fathom out whats going on, for a man to say that he not longer fancies you physically was very hurtfull, but then just like that he is not refusing anything, mind you he never starts anything, then you get do you like that, or that, and I think for heavens sake after 21 years if you don't remember whats the point,, but i think the problem is not with me, I will be the first to admit that my sex drive is higher than Martins always has been, but his problem he feels is down to lack of sex which is not my fault is that he Ejaculates to quick, me not understanding men at all, friends say that its down to his upbringing, some say he really must fancy the pants of you thats why he can't hold on, but either way as long as I am satisfied other ways then its not a problem really.. but for aslong as I remember he has always suffered with PE..

Well I am not entirely sure what going to happen really, I am doing stuff I want to so far and Martin needs to do a lot of changing, but I can't help but think that in may when this girl returns then things are going to be very rocky for both me and Martin as he has got to deal with his feelings when she returns at the desk opposite him,. Me will be panicking.. well I suppose he has to prove me wrong..

Busy Busy Busy

What a Busy Week I have ahead of me trying to find me which so far has not been too successfull really,

well its swimming again on Monday early evening with mum, dad and Charlie and yes whilst its excerciseing I do enjoy swimming so thats a good thing then after swimming tomorrow evening its up to a local Pub for the Toddler group committee, as I am Chairperson I have got to compile a list of things that need doing, which Is not an easy task,,

Tuesday is toddlers and Gym,

Wednesday I am having my hair revamped, I think I am going to have a solid colour, just I can;t decided on wether to go completly lighter like I used to be. or go somewhat darker, I know my hair is a rat blonde colour well I think so as in light brown wild rat colour,, I may go kinda chesnut brown, or Auburn, I have been adviced not to go Black by a friend of mine as my face is to washed out looking,, anyway we will see, and yes I will take my camera,,

Thursday Is toddlers then Gym then Blood test for every test going,

Friday,, going to see a friend, which I love doing this really just don't do it enough or may be I just done have enough friends anymore, seem to have lots loads when I had Charlie..

Tattoo's

Hi people,

Ok the next step for me is to get a Tattoo, but I think I am delaying it until I am a tad thinner, as I have this feeling that if I have a small tattoo done on me now and I get thinner then the tattoo will get even smaller, or it may go saggy,, but also the thing is where to do it, Ok I have been given Ideas, wrist, ankle, lower back, abdomen but I also want it hidden by a swimming costume, as I dread to think what dad would think if he saw it, even Charlie for that matter as he would not be able to have any when he gets older due to his CHD and risk of infection..

And another thing is, what to have,, do I try and design my own, which I am pretty Pants at, but I want something with my boys names or Initals one, in excetra, do I get by blog readers to come up with designs, or just choose one of Many beautiful ones from the Parlours Pictures,, I do love there heart designs but Hearts mean other things to me too, so not sure there, I do love the butterflys as well, but they seem to be common on antother site I go on,,

Oh guys I know its for me, but can you help me out even with web site likes to tattoo pics please..

What was it all about hey???

If anyone knows can someone please tell me, I know things have not been right at home for ages now may be I should say years, but the events of last Month have really confused me somewhat, Ok I know girls flirt cause I can, but don't do it, but even though we have talked and talked for what seemed like forever, I am trying to find me and do things for me, which is damn hard when you do have kids anyway,, ok evenings are good as Martin can have the boys,, but appart from the increased sex life Martin does not seem to be changing, I mean I still do the Brekkie, do packed lunches, and dinner is practically on the table when Martin comes home from work, But I am really struggling to know what last month was about, did he really want to leave or was he just scaring me into doing things to make me thinner or realise that I could loose him.. I mean He wont actually kiss me as he feels I have a bad tooth somewhere as my breath smells, god nows how many times I clean my teeth, but I am now awaiting NHS listings for dentists to see whats going on, as I hope the kissing will come back if there is anything wrong and sorted,, Also I am going to the drs tonight as I fear some problem is occuring in my (not sure where you call it) but below boobs and above stomach, I get bloated daily after eating, Bread, Potatoes, Pasta and seems practically anything except water..

But what ever I do for me, is for me, and if Martin ends up at risk of loosing me as I get more confident then he will have to watch out.. I know hitting 40 is an odd age, but we have gone from ignoring one another to cant get enough of one another which I like but its leaving me very confused.. if someone has any ideas or advice I would be gratefull

St Valentines Day

Ok its one of those days that for many people is a romantic day.. and for me I would love it to be too, but I do have a non romantic man in my life, he can't help it, but he did surprise me in more ways than one this Morning, 2 I will tell you about and 1 I wont anyway, when we got up this Morning I gave Martin his present a big heart shape frerro chocolates well 2 boxes of them actually, and a Card, I always have as Martin does love the attention really and he hates to think of Valentines day as being linked to CHD also as it saddens him, he likes to forget about it,, well I thought that Martin had done his usual anyway and not bothered about me, but how wrong I was,, I went of to the loo as you do in the mornings and he said buy as he went of to work, and as I came in the kitchen there was a bouquet of flowers and a card thats 1 surprise the other is the wording in the card, he always reads the words before he buys a card but this made me cry, espcially after last month,,

it reads..

Every time I look at you
I Feel love in my heart,
I hate it when we say goodbye,
I'm lost when were apart

You know I think the world of you
and Cherish out time together,
you turn and ordinary day
into something full of pleasure..

Yes it's soppy and yes it brought tears into my eyes, yes I now there only words in a card, but after the week I had last month I didn't really know if he really loved me or not..



But anyway at the moment things are looking good between us,, we spend more time together in the evenings unless Charlie and Martin are watching some Monster truck moving things or tops gear then I stay away from the PC, also I am going to go quiet for a while on one of the support groups I am on, I will always support people where needed but I think I cant find me when I am worrying for other people,, if you know what I mean, but there are good friends in my heart and PC world who I will be there forever.. for the time being I am going to take a back seat for a while,, although as they say I can Hide there,, but just not take part,, I think it has to be done..

But its only so I can find the true me at home, what people get on the support groups is Me, and only me..

well back today,,

I am planning on cleaning today, and later take the dog for a walk, then get some food for Dinner,, yes I am going to be doing Steak and when the kids are in bed and asleep I hope the fun will start too,, and No not going to go into detail either..

Out Last Night

well after a day at the Zoo Yesterday I went out for Dinner last night with a group of women for a birthday Meal, (there all mums of the toddler group I go to) it was nice to get out and be Me,, you good for a laugh, jokey and Rude,, I did Martin, Charlie and Martins Nephew dinner last night before I got in the bath,, (ok too soft again) well after soaking in the bath for an hour and getting ready and for the first time in 15 years I wore a Skirt, I came down stairs and I got looks from martin but no words of you look nice or are you going out in that kinda of words,, Normally I would of got the latta from Martin but Sam Martins Nephew said "god! you look good" Bless him he made me smile. well he is 24 and not a little Nephew,, so I go of out with a smile on my face,, and head to the Pub.. I soon relaxed and became me.. I was not drinking as i was driving home, well I had J20 Orange, and for dinner,, whitebaite for starters and for dinner steak in Guiness like a casserole really and I could not eat it all,, but what surprised me the most where that there where comments from people saying how beautiful I looked I must admit I felt good last night but for about 10 people all women telling me I was beautiful I nearly fell over laughing,, never really heard people call me Beautiful before.. I got speaking to one girl last night who knew about what happened a Month back and told me to take charge of my life,, If I want something no matter what be it Sex, give Oral (sorry to anyone reading this) the just say sod you I want to and just do it, for some reason she said men are so Shallow dont wait for them just make them, even if its something you want them to do and they don't, she really made me laugh.. not sure I am quite at that point yet,, but I suppose I am working on it,,

Today I am back at the gym, Kids are going to grandads, then I am going to see a friend,, one of my heart mums who lost her baby at 4.5 months old,, a couple of years back,, he would have been 2 on the 21st Feb,, its a sad day all round,, I so have began to hate that day of obvious reason to only those who know..

anyway this Blog is not about doom at gloom its about me,, but there you go,, that day is appart of me too, but a day to never be forgotten either,

Shopping

Yesterday being half term I took the boys to MK centre for shopping, well shopping for me that is,, I wanted some new cloths, first port of Call was La Senza but they do not do cloths in my size well not Bras anyway,, for some reason since Josh the boobs are now bigger then pre Josh,, so they say you can order on line, bit sodding daft when I am in their shop, so I pop 2 doors down to Ann Summers, well I try on a few bits and felt disheartened as a lot of there stuff is see through but my baby belly did not look good, but as I came away I saw a nice PVC Basque with suspenders and picked that up, and another outfit and Bingo they looked really good, showed bits I wanted too and covered up the other bits too, then it was on to proper shopping, but as I spent 3/4s of my budget already it was not easy,, well I went into next and found a lovely full length flared skirt which I have read on trinny and susannah's site are good for people with think lower calfs and so right they are,, it was in chocolate colour too,, and for only 18 quid I brought it and a cheap top too,, as for the ann summers stuff whilst some of you will say thats for him not her, well if it makes me feel good about myself then its good for me too,,

yesterday I also went swimming, I think I did about 20 lengths of the local pool,, oh thats kempston so slightly shorter but it does make you feel really good..

today I am off to a small Zoo with the boys, oh Hamerton Zoo,, very local and very small,, really good too,,

Well Here Goes

Well I have decided to make a New Blog, god knows if it will be interesting or totally dull, but I what I want to do is to find the real me, which is something I am not sure I have ever really found before.. you see I started dateing when I was 15 and to be truthful I was just such a good girl I never did anything naughty,, except for going on the back of a scooter with an old boyfriend once and as he forgot to take the L plates of we were stopped by the Local police,, and I was taken to my parents who Banned me for 3 months from going out,, the said boyfriend came over every night and dad said it was unfair on him so I was allowed back out again on strick instructions to be home by 9 and I had to tell them where I was going and who was going to be there,, any way after a month said boyfriend left for the Navy,, then I had another Boy,, well he was ok till I realised he was on drugs and after one thing which at 15 I was so not ready for,, well after a couple Months that was finished too, then alongs comes my current man in my life I ment him on the 24 th May 1986 the year i turned 16,, in the July (i turned 16) and we only met as he was my lift to a pub to meet another friend,, well thats history,, but I think I was so young that I never really did find Me,, so I am aiming to do that,, also to find the thinner person in me too,,
So please bare with me whilst I sort out this Blog and make it more pretty,,