Feel a right Mess

Today well for a few days I have not feeling to brilliant,, but not in the ill sense of the word,, I am not sure what I am feeling right now other than unloved, unwanted and used,, okay its nothing new I have felt like that for years, for the past few months things have been doing ok me and martin wise, but thinking about it I think alot of it has been put on on his front, well it seems like it,, since I spent some money I should have not touched (and probably my own fault and doing) I have been given the cold shoulder every night,, ok he talks he has plans for his shed, borrowed some money from his mum to do so, so all is ok, his shed gets to go up once planning is done.. he is doing what he wants to do,,a big shed to play in,, but all i get is whats for dinner, breakfast, is there pudding, sometimes i refuse to get any pudding and I get frowned upon, so Charlie jumps up and gets it, also Charlie seems to be taking the role of Josh's Dad and Martin is taking a back seat, if josh wants to play with daddy its ask charlie,, ok it is hormonal time too, but i broke down in tears at belly dancing when asked to do some sensual moves,, which I could not do, I do not look in the mirrow and see someone sexy and sensual and just cried,, felt stupid too, but I dont know why, I should not expect a man to show me any compassion he is does not feel able too, but it tears me up that I have done loads to improve my health and self esteem and all i get is laughed at,, I get told he is proud of the weight I have lost but he has no means of showing this at all,, and now my confidence has his rock bottom again, I have booked an appy with a plastic surgeon too for some advice on boob lift and tummy tuck.

Sorry Given up, on this will come back later,,