Don't know what to do really

Ok I know I have spoke before about trying to find me, still got nowhere yet.. but the past few days I have been thinking, after me and dear partner had out breakdowns or talks and the talk of parting, I have really been thinking sometimes that it may be the best and worst thing to do,, if I think of me selfishly I really want to be married.. Ok I have been with a man for 22 years this may engaged for 19 of them but still no marriage.. I know to some that its not everything when you have children,, my partner feels that kids are more important than paper but for me, having a man make you his wife means a lot to me personally not just security but Love too,, BUT after being engaged for 19 years he has told me that he would never get married unless we parted and I got married he would only then do so,, I know he may have said a lot of stuff that was worrying him but at the moment I feel that I have had to do a lot of changes for myself, ok loose weight, go out more, but he or both of us a benefitting from.. I feel that so far he has done sod all to help us, ok the intermate side is 100% but the effort comes from me all the same.. I also feel that I dont have an Identity of such,, well not the sort I want,, like Wife and Mother,, Ok I am mother and Debbie or Martins partner..

Somedays I think sod you go and have your single life, go and learn to cook (as thats the only way he will survive) then I can meet someone else and settle down, but and the Big BUT is the Kids.. I feel if i did anything stupid it would totally mess my eldest up, but also I love my partner to pieces even his odd ways.

SO now I feel that maybe I should just accept that I will never be a wife and just go and change my surname to match the kids,, ok i hear you say you can use his surname anyway,, and I do someplaces like Charlies hospital they call me mrs E, but you notice it sometimes at the drs where you are debbie **** mother of Charlie E school is a mixture of both too,, I just don't know what to think, feel, do say or what to suggest,, I sometimes think by changing my name it makes it easier on him too,, OH god I hate feeling like this but I thank my lucky stars that I can feel like this as opposed to being single, which nearly happened in Jan..

but for now I will remain charlie and Josh's mum, and parter to martin.. will have to think on the rest,,