Midlife Crises Looms

I know i have not been on here for a while, which in a way is a good thing as I have nothing to moan about I suppose, but also I suppose I have never found me either maybe because I was never lost in the first place,, Things at home are ok,, to the point I have changed,, I go out more,, i have the gym which has started up again, Belly Dancing starts on tuesday and i have joined up for Boxercise classes which starts end of January,, so there should be less of me soon,

As for mid life crises not sure if it is starting or not yet Iwill be 39 this july so 40 the next year,, its not a case of I am not looking to being 40 but I have not dont a lot with my life really other than get myself into debt all the time, I would love to be debt free by the time I am 40, but maybe I have to win the lottery, when I say debt in total its about 2 grand, but thats a lot to me as I dont work, but that could hopefully change when Josh is at school, but I will do what I can to sort the debt out,,

as for me, Ok I have mentioned having a consultation for plastic surgery but for now that will not be happening way to expensive and I would not really be me,, so I need to learn to love me for who I am first which is getting there, so long as the knockbacks stop,, cause despite having 2 kids and a man who is not quite so caring I am the important one only I can help me,,

well thats it for a while,,

Things are steady

Thought I should update this,, things seem ok at home or more settled I suppose, back to normal old ways really, we did have a honeymoon period where things were Fab but I knew it was impossible to keep up,, the physical side has gone to nothing again, mainly due to illnesses with one for and another in not illnesses then its the period and PMT,, but martin addmitted he does love me and wants to be with me but cant show me how he feels as he does not know how too, bad parenting there really from both sides,, but wont go into that,, but for know we are ok,, just other things going on in my life regarding my nan who is very ill and in hospital and at 94 I think is dying too, so very sad,, but my personal life is ok,,

Feel a right Mess

Today well for a few days I have not feeling to brilliant,, but not in the ill sense of the word,, I am not sure what I am feeling right now other than unloved, unwanted and used,, okay its nothing new I have felt like that for years, for the past few months things have been doing ok me and martin wise, but thinking about it I think alot of it has been put on on his front, well it seems like it,, since I spent some money I should have not touched (and probably my own fault and doing) I have been given the cold shoulder every night,, ok he talks he has plans for his shed, borrowed some money from his mum to do so, so all is ok, his shed gets to go up once planning is done.. he is doing what he wants to do,,a big shed to play in,, but all i get is whats for dinner, breakfast, is there pudding, sometimes i refuse to get any pudding and I get frowned upon, so Charlie jumps up and gets it, also Charlie seems to be taking the role of Josh's Dad and Martin is taking a back seat, if josh wants to play with daddy its ask charlie,, ok it is hormonal time too, but i broke down in tears at belly dancing when asked to do some sensual moves,, which I could not do, I do not look in the mirrow and see someone sexy and sensual and just cried,, felt stupid too, but I dont know why, I should not expect a man to show me any compassion he is does not feel able too, but it tears me up that I have done loads to improve my health and self esteem and all i get is laughed at,, I get told he is proud of the weight I have lost but he has no means of showing this at all,, and now my confidence has his rock bottom again, I have booked an appy with a plastic surgeon too for some advice on boob lift and tummy tuck.

Sorry Given up, on this will come back later,,

Why

Why is it every row we have is about money.. or the lack of or rather me spending money,, I have always done it, mainly to keep us fed and watered and yes i often go overboard,, but the man I have lets me have his card and wont take any responsibilty for anything,, he doesn't ever go shopping, doesn't often buy his own cloths and when I need some extra money I take it,, ok I should ask but I get fed up with the wheres yours whys the bank overdrawn,, maybe casue things are dear now and I dont work,, but because there was no 2 grand for him to use of some concrete he has gone mad at me,, ok I admitt I have spent more that usual on cloths I am getting thinner, I have my hair done,, but he wont help me he wont take control I know I need help, maybe its cause I am not really happy hear although we have been getting better I do think if we have drifted appart,, I told him that I did spend some money to hurt him like he hurt me in january and he through it all back in my face,, I repeated everything he told me,, and he said I made him out to be a wanker,, well mate maybe you are,, but I am not really sure if I can go on like this anymore but equally I dont know what to do about it,, can people this day and age really afford to by food, cloths, petrol ext and save,, I dont think so,, but he said we have too,, but I cant see where we can make any changes without me going to work, with which unless I do nights I cant afford child care,,

I feel trapped right now too,,

Was going to Remove this blog

Last night I was thinking about removing this Blog as there are things on here that remind me of some horrid things, and yes whilst I was feeling horrid at the time I have to Move on,, Things at home are going well with Me and my other half,, ok I have dont a lot for me to keep me heathly as I dont want to be ill, I dont want to have heart attacks, strokes, diabetes and the only way it to keep excercising, i go to the gym 3 times a week know as well as belly dancing, and I want to start boxercise too, now that sounds fun,, but the reason I was going to remove this blog is probably casue there was never a me to find,, I have always been here just under a different disguise,, i mean I have been mummy and partner and never really made an effort for me but that has changed now, I am doing more for me,, but I will keep this blog going,, as its there for when I do something different I suppose,, I know not many read this blog so it doesn't really matter,, but if you do read it please let me know who you are?? just cause I am nosey really,,

Tattoos

I have finally Deceided that I do want a tattoo but I still need time to come up with a design or find someone who can do a design for me, and I am thinking of getting it done when I am 40,, so I have plenty of time to come up with some thing,, I have spoken with martin about it and although he disagrees with them he thinks I should have a John Deere Deer put on my bum cheek,,



Not the wording though just the Yellow Deer, but I told him where to put his Ideas..

Name Changing

For Some years now I have been thinking about Changing my surname to Match those of my Son's, as they are in there dad's name and never really trully fancied a double barrelled surmans but it was talked about when I was expecting Charlie,, anyway after years of putting it off I still have not truly deceided what to do, the reason's why I have halted was One I felt I was being disloyal to my family if I had Changed my name to my partners surname without the Marriage also I felt I would upset my Late Grandparents and I also thought that if I change it then there is no point in my partner marrying me,, so I have left it and left it,,

But sometimes I just have to do things for me and follow my heart,, Ok my other half does not want to get married and to some extent I wish he had told me before we had kids as it was importnant to me,, and it was a big part of my dreams, But now after being together 22 years and 2 kids he has told me 6 months ago he has not intentions of getting married, one reason was it felt it stopped him going off with someone if he wanted too and the others were well everyone we know ends up getting divorced and yes he is right, its way mess when things are Ok,, his Mum has been married 4 times his dad 2 times and the last time was to a women 2 years younger than him.. Also theres a confidence thing on his part too, whilst he likes to be the centre of attention at home and work,, he cant tand the thought of a wedding, anyway gone off track,,

The reason why I want to change my name is not to protect him, or a way to say I love him its about me,, I just hate having a different name to my boys,, certain things are in my surname and certain things are in my partners surname as I have used it for years,, and after talking with my other half he doesn't mind me using his name at all and it was up to me what I did,, but he classes me as his (surname) anyway,,